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with selected musical excerpts


Piano accompaniments by Julie Rowe and Joe Bousard

Orchestral arrangements by Keith Wells

Dramatis personae

(dramatic people)

- or -




A handsome, wealthy young man in love with Melibea


A beautiful, wealthy young woman


Calisto's clever, worldly servant


Celestina's back up singers


An old slut


Calisto's young, innocent servant


Sempronio’s girlfriend, one of Celestina’s “girls”


Melibea’s little maid


One of Celestina’s “girls”


Melibea’s father, a wealthy, powerful business man


An overweight karate expert (played by same actor as Calisto)


(played by same actors as Parmeno, Elicia, Areusa, Lucrecia, Calisto, Melibea’s Father)


Calisto's servant (played by same actor as Parmeno)


Calisto's servant (played by same actor as Sempronio)

Once Upon a Time...

     A handsome young man, Calisto, fell in love with a beautiful woman, Melibea, who rejects him.

I Love Her

(Performed by Miguel Jackson)

00:00 / 00:51

     His clever servant, Sempronio, counsels him against getting too worked up over women. By doing a tap number.

Women are Wicked 

(Performed by Brian Donovan)

00:00 / 03:11

     Though impressed by his trenches and wings, Calisto is unswayed and insists that he wants to be with Melibea, although she despises him. Sempronio suggests that he hire the famous matchmaker, Celestina, whom he knows personally. Calisto is delighted and sends him to hire her. 


     Sempronio finds Celestina hocking her goods and services in the town square.

The Celestina Show

(Performed by Barbara Blomberg, Jason Fiske, Ryan Vaughan, John Tartaglia, Kim Carrell)

00:00 / 03:34

     Sempronio explains his master's love problem, and plots with Celestina to bilk Calisto out of his money.

     Meanwhile, back at the ra- at Calisto’s house, the other servant, Parmeno, warns his master against dealing with Celestina, as he knows from personal experience that she is a terrible person.

She's an Old Slut

(Performed by Logan Mitchell and Joseph Cannon)

00:00 / 04:05
Celestina Show 2.JPG

     Calisto is still undaunted and ridicules the innocent young Parmeno, yelling at him to butt out. Parmeno is devastated. He resolves to stop trying to warn his master and just go along with whatever terrible path he chooses, no matter how dangerous.

I'll Play

(Performed by Jason Fiske)

00:00 / 03:02

     Since Parmeno is still wary of her, Celestina introduces the virginal young man to one of her prostitutes, Areusa. She throws the two of them in bed together and then wants to watch them have sex. She explains why this is a great idea.*

*The views expressed by Celestina in this show are entirely her own, and not a reflection of the opinions of the creators or the producers of Celestina: A Tragic Musical Comedy. Please confirm mutual consent and use safer sex practices when bonking for OSILF voyeurs.

Let a Senior Citizen Watch

(Performed by Barbara Blomberg)

00:00 / 02:49

     In order to win over Melibea, Celestina performs an incantation to summon the dark forces of hell to ensorcell a skein of thread, which she takes over to sell to Melibea. She brings up Calisto, and after initially being furious at the mention of his name, Melibea softens when Celestina explains that Calisto is very very sick. (Yeah, that's the ticket! He is deathly ill.)  Celestina asks the young woman to pray deeply every night for the poor suffering man.

Incantation 3.JPG

     Having successfully visited Melibea and planted the seed of love, Celestina hosts a dinner party for the two servants, Sempronio and Parmeno, and her two prostitutes, Elicia and Areusa. They revel in the success of their scheme to bilk Calisto out of his money in pursuit of his love interest.

00:00 / 01:35

Eat, Drink, and Be Merry

(Performed by Barbara McBain)

Eat Drink and Be Merry.JPG

During the dinner, Lucrecia the maid calls to say that Melibea is sick and needs Celestina's help.


(Performed by Karissa Self and Jessie Jo Pauley)

00:00 / 01:47

Over the phone, Celestina diagnoses her "pain" as actually "love" for Calisto. Although she fights it at first, Melibea finally relents and admits that she really does love Calisto after all. At that moment, Celestina gets another call, this time from Calisto. He is over-the-moon jubilant that Melibea now loves him. Playing phone tag go-between, Celestina helps the lovers set up a meeting at midnight.

Eat, Drink, and Be Merry pt. 2

(Performed by Barbara McBain, Joshua Vern, Logan Mitchell, Shana Bousard, and Alaina Beauloye)

00:00 / 02:23
Act I Finale.png

Act Two

     Calisto and his servants, dressed as burglars, arrive at Melibea's front door. Because her father is very security conscious, she can't disarm the door and open it. So, they have a through-the-door first date, expressing their love for each other. Outside, Calisto is flanked by his nervous servants. Inside are Melibea and her little maid, Lucrecia. Some barking dogs spook the servants and they run away noisily, forcing Calisto to leave also, but they arrange to meet the following night in Melibea's garden--a lofty oasis that overlooks the sea cliff. Calisto will bring a tall ladder to scale the wall. Having just said their hushed goodbyes and after Calisto's hasty departure, Melibea's father appears, having been awakened by the disturbance. The girls invent an excuse as to why they are awake. He puts them to bed and sings a father's lullaby.  

00:00 / 01:38

No More Words

(Performed by Bob Heitman)

Promises 1.JPG

     After their late-night burglar adventure with Calisto, his two servants go to Celestina's house and pound on her door, waking her up. They demand that she share some of the profits that she has been taking from Calisto, figuring that she owes them their part of the spoils since they have been in great danger, risking life and limb to accompany their Master to Melibea's fortified mansion. Celestina refuses to give them anything, and an argument ensues, ending with Sempronio stabbing Celestina. She cries out to Elicia to call the police, and dies. The servants are terrified, realizing that they are now murderers. Sirens are heard, and as they run from the house gun shots are heard and they are killed in the street.


The next morning, the prostitutes are mourning the deaths of their lovers, Sempronio and Parmeno. Elicia sings.

00:00 / 03:04

Life Goes On

(Performed by Mary Anne McKerrow)

Areusa--ever the pragmatic one--tells her friend she needs to pull herself together. 

00:00 / 01:25

Get Up

(Performed by Julie Rowe)

Invigorated by her song, Areusa comes up with a plot to get revenge on the lovers, Calisto and Melibea, blaming them for the deaths of their boyfriends. First, she calls over Calisto's two new servants (who happen to look very much like Sempronio and Parmeno) and pumps them for information. They divulge that Calisto is going back to Melibea's house that very night to climb a ladder into the back garden. Having gleaned what she needs, Areusa throws the new servant boys out, just in time to welcome Centurio, an overweight karate expert. She asks if he is up to the task of dealing with Calisto. He brags about his hit man capabilities.

00:00 / 02:45

How You Want Him to Die?

(Performed by Kim Carrell)

Here Am I 1.JPG

     A few minutes to midnight, Melibea and Lucrecia are in her moonlit garden overlooking the sea. Melibea ponders the beauty of the night and the loss of her virginity.

00:00 / 03:41

Here Am I

(Performed by Marta Burton)

Calisto arrives with his new servants and a tall ladder, which he climbs up, over the wall, and into the garden. He and Melibea begin to kiss passionately, but Melibea is shy because Lucrecia is there. So the lovers retire to a secluded spot out of view. Meanwhile, Lucrecia looks over the wall and flirts with one of the servants guarding the bottom of the ladder. There is the sound of a ruckus in the dark at the base of the ladder, and the servants call for Calisto to come down. He emerges half dressed from the bushes, followed by a disheveled Melibea. They say a quick good bye as he starts to descend the ladder, only to lose his footing and fall to his death. Melibea is distraught and unconsolable. Lucrecia runs to get her father. When he arrives, he finds Melibea standing precariously on the wall. He tries to move to her, but she stops him, threatening to jump. Then she confesses to him what has happened and why she must die to follow her love. She sings back to him his own lullaby as her last good bye.

No More Words, Reprise

(Performed by Marta Burton and Bob Heitman)

00:00 / 03:37

She jumps.

After the final curtain, the actress who played Celestina emerges to ask the audience why they are still there, and what are they waiting for?  Oh! The Moral?  You want a moral? "I tell ya, honey, that morals are oooooo-ver-rated." She cues the orchestra and calls out the cast--in various stages of undress--to join her for a raucous final number, singing the tongue-in-cheek moral of the story.

At this point, the audience goes home, and discusses all of their favorite parts of the performance, and how the role of Celestina must be played by an iconic warhorse actress like Patti LuPone.

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